Let’s see… universal sign language for food… hand with finger cupped together, nudging at mouth… okay, I’ll try that. Maybe, just maybe, the Bunganese will understand me.
The tribe just looked at me, fabulously dumbfounded.
Continuing my gastronomical charade, I then tried hand to stomach.
Still, the tribe remained dumbfounded.
‘Lady, you want food?’, one of the tribesmen asked.
Correction. Apparently the tribe just found me dumb.
‘You speak English?’ I asked.
‘Lady, don’t be so American. The whole world speaks English. Maybe if Jon Stewart wasn’t your source of knowledge, you guys would have realized that by now.’
‘Yes! So hungry!’
‘Well, you only have 5 choices.’
‘Savages! Terrorists! The horror! Have mercy! Only 5 foods!?’
‘Lady, it’s not a punishment. We only have 5 foods on the island. Between all the Macbooks and iPhones and iPads we buy, we’re too broke to import more than that.’
‘Fine! What are my choices?!’
‘Chocolate covered coffee beans, blueberry muffin, quiche, spinach pie and a bear claw.’
‘Yeah, right. And you’ll go fetch them from where, Starbucks?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Are you kidding me?’
‘No everything we eat on the island comes from there.’
‘You’re telling me, THE ONLY place to get food on Bunga Bunga is at a STARBUCKS?!’
‘Well, the bear claw is actually a bear’s claw we hunt on the island. But technically, it’s sold in Starbucks. Better distribution network.’
‘You guys wear leather sheaths, run around in straw carriages, live in mud huts, with candles as your source of light, but you have a Starbucks?!’
‘Look, lady, how else are we going to connect our iPads to the Internet?’
‘You don’t need Starbucks for Internet access! You need an INTERNET CONNECTION!’
‘Yeah, but you can’t connect unless you’re drinking a cappuccino.’
‘Give me your iPhone! I want a plane ticket OUTTA HERE!’
‘We don’t have planes, lady. We don’t even have an airport.’
‘You have an iPhone. You have an iPad. You have MACBOOKS, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE A AIRPORT?!’
‘You don’t need an airport to connect to the Internet.’
‘Let me ask you, what, pray tell, did you people do before Apple and Starbucks?’
‘Same things you guys did in the US. HBO.’
‘And before that?’
‘Same thing China did. Slave labor for Nike.’
‘Then how could you afford all this?’
‘US AID.’
‘You mean to tell me the US gives you guys aid to go get Starbucks and Apple products??’
‘Yeah. How else would they own any Third World country’s ass? You think they give us that money to ‘improve’ our country?’
‘And you guys are willing to accept this?’
‘Yeah, well, we kinda got screwed. But see, lady, they packaged it as ‘democracy’. You guys in the US looked pretty happy with it, so we thought it was a good idea too.’
‘Look, do you have an American Embassy here?’
‘Yeah, if you go right at the next coconut tree, and past the Starbucks.’
‘Great, so after that Starbucks over there-’
‘No, the next Starbucks.’
‘Where?’
‘Look, lady. Just under the mountain.’
‘That one?’
‘No. Not that one. The one after the one after the one after that one.’
‘You have SEVERAL Starbucks.’
‘One at every waterfall.’
‘Give me your iPhone.’
‘Who you going to call?’
‘The EMBASSY! What’s the number?’
‘You mean smoke signals?’
‘What?’
‘We don’t use the numerical system. But there’s a smoke signal app you can open. See? Right there.’
‘Have Angry Birds too?’
‘Yeah. But they only get mean when the islanders approach them.’
‘JUST SMOKE SIGNAL THE EMBASSY!’
‘Okay, it’s smoking… hold on… it’s still smoking but no one’s picking up. Oh wait! Here you go.’
‘Hello? Is this the American Embassy?’
‘Yes, how may we help you?’
‘I’m an American citizen and was hired by the US government as a private consultant for a petroleum project. The US naval ship I was on capsized. I swam to shore and need you guys to get me off the island.’
‘No problem, ma’am. Do you have your passport?’
‘Yes.’
‘Alright. We can transport you by boat tonight. That will be $5000.’
‘Excuse me? I don’t think you heard me. I am an American. I PAY TAXES. TECHNICALLY, THIS IS A RESCUE MISSION… DO MY TAXES NOT COVER THAT?’
‘No ma’am, afraid not.’
‘Then what the hell to do I pay taxes for? Healthcare is privatized, I pay for my kid to go to university, the potholes in my city are still potholing the road, and by the looks of the economy, I won’t see social security!’
‘It goes to US AID ma’am. Spreading democracy to ensure national security.’
‘Is our government aware the Bunganese get AID and that they have spent it on Starbucks and Apple?’
‘Yes ma’am. That’s part of ensuring national security.’
‘How so?!’
‘If people are busy drinking coffee and watching porn, they’re too busy to terrorize the US.’
‘Are you kidding me?!’
‘No ma’am. The administration realized the effectiveness of such a strategy after using it with Americans.’
‘What effectiveness?! Have you not heard of a movement called ‘Occupy’?’
‘Did you participate in Occupy, mam’am?’
‘No.’
‘Did anyone you know participate?’
‘No.’
‘See, ma’am. Effective.’
‘So let me get this straight- you can’t rescue me from a situation I’m in because the US government hired me due to the fact that my taxes go to AID, that goes to people, that use it to buy Apple and Starbucks products, on an island I got stranded on, while abroad an official American navy ship, without having to shell out $5000 for it?!’
‘If you’re dissatisfied ma’am, I can drop an email to your local Congressman. Just give me his name.’
‘His name is…Congressman KISS MY ASS! I’m calling CNN! The press will hear about this!?’
‘Lady, how you going to call CNN?’
‘You have Internet, you have Skype! Bring your Macbook and take me to Starbucks!’
A five minute trek later, we reached Starbucks.
‘Okay… signed in… I think I do have a contact at CNN Altanta who interviewed me for a story about the petroleum project… let’s see… let’s see…searching… searching… AHA! Hear we go.’
Bloop bloop bloop bloop… BLOOP. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Bloop!
‘Larry! Jesus! Thank God you answered! Have I got a story for you!’
‘Shoot!’
‘So, I’m on my way for that petroleum project consultation, you know, the one you interviewed me about, and the US navy ship I was on capsizes, I swim ashore and get stranded on this island called Bunga Bunga and get this– I call the US Embassy, and they won’t get me off the island unless I pay $5000!’
‘Is Brittany Spears there?’
‘Ah…NO.’
‘Did you see Justin Beiber with his pants down?’
‘Huh?’
‘Brangelina? George Clooney? Menage-a-trois?’
‘Larry! For Christ’s sake!’
‘Listen, there’s no story if there’s no superstar.’
‘What are you talking about? CNN is supposed to cover a story like mine!’
‘Ratings, my friend. Ratings… stars get ratings.’
‘My rights as a US citizen are being violated! Isn’t that a story people should hear?!’
‘Well, did ANY star violate you? I could weave the whole constitutional rights violation thing in that…’
‘Alright. Tom Cruise violated me.’
‘Woah! Any Scientologists with him?’
‘Yeah, ALL of them.’
‘Can I quote you as a source on that?’
‘Yeah. Quote me. Bye, Larry.’
Bloop. Conversation ended.
‘What will happen now, lady? They’re going to find out Tom Cruise isn’t here.’
‘I need press now. Truth, obviously, isn’t an issue. Log onto CNN.’
‘Okay… here you go, lady…WOW! It’s already breaking news! Uh-oh… Tom Cruise’s publicist has already responded.’
‘What did he say?’
‘Hmmm… let’s see… let’s see…Well, basically, Lady, he’s calling you a stalker. Wait… they even have a link to a video interview of someone who knew you in high school. I’ll play it.’
A long lost face, the high school quarterback, Joe Dominic. ‘She was really quiet, didn’t talk much to anyone. That’s when we all realized something was wrong with her. Not surprised really.’
‘Lady, I don’t think your plan is working. There’s another link about you here… says the government is on the record as never hiring you and that you were on your way to bomb a US petroleum rig in the name of Allah. That can’t be good.’
‘Allah? But I’m not even Muslim!’
‘Hey, look! There’s a video of you, lady! Right there on CNN! Wearing a Mexican hat and everything! The caption underneath says your repetition of ‘Ole, Ole!’ means ‘Allah’ in Latino.’
‘That was a bloody retirement party of a colleague! It was a Mexican theme! Crap!’
‘Oh shit, lady. Now there’s news Obama is holding a live press conference about this… look! look! There he is!’
‘My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that a terrorist attempt has been made on one of our petroleum rigs in the South Pacific by an Al Qaeda linked US national. I cannot release the name of the person, but we do know that she is under the protection of the Bunganese. If the Bunganese do not hand her over in 24 hours, we will consider Bunga Bunga an extension of the Axis of Evil and take corresponding military actions against the island.’
‘Lady! You are going to get us nuked! You gotta get out of here!’
‘This is inane! There’s no way they are going to bomb you guys! It’s all media hype…’
‘Listen! You got to go to the Embassy!’
Leaving Starbucks, we trekked two minutes and found ourselves at the embassy, a small mud hut behind iron gates.
‘Good luck, lady!’
‘You’re not coming with me?!’
‘Lady, I won’t see the light of day again if I come with you! Technically, I’m considered an accomplice.’
‘But you’re my only witness!’
‘Sorry, lady!’
And just like that, the tribal dude took off.
Stopped by a marine who recognized my face, he immediately handcuffed me and rammed me through the doors. Moments later, I found myself in front of the very man who had spoke to me on the phone only an hour ago.
‘Listen, I’m not a terrorist! I tried to call you an hour ago, asking to be rescued! You wanted to charge me $5000, and so I called CNN, but they weren’t interested in the story if it didn’t have a star attached to it! SO SUE me! I made it up! But AT LEAST it got your attention!’
‘Ma’am, I advise you don’t speak until an attorney is present.’
‘Fine, once I’m off the island, I’ll call my lawyer!’
‘Did you bring $5000?’
‘I’m WANTED by the US government! Don’t my taxes pay for obtaining WANTED TERRORISTS?!’
‘So you are a terrorist?’
‘NO! But the US government considers me one!’
‘The US government pays for detaining, not obtaining, ma’am.’
‘So what happens now?’
‘Well, the Marines are on their way, unless the Bunganese government hands you over.’
‘So the government is willing to spend TRILLIONS of tax dollars to bring in an entire Marine division instead of footing $5000 to take me back to the US?’
‘Protocol, ma’am.’
‘Alright, then take me to the Bunganese government. They’d probably get me outta here for free since they most likely would prefer to avoid being bombed.’
‘Can’t do that, ma’am. You’re at the American Embassy. That means you’re in US custody now.’
‘Then take me back to the US!’
‘Protocol, ma’am. Can’t do that.’
‘Don’t you want to avert A WAR?’
‘The President hasn’t declared war, ma’am.’
‘But he’s bombing Bunga Bunga.’
‘Bombing and war are not the same, ma’am.’
‘What’s the difference?’
‘Congressional approval ma’am.’
‘In summary, we just sit here until we get bombed.’
‘No ma’am. The American Embassy is being evacuated as we speak. We won’t be here.’
‘And will I be taken along in that evacuation?’
‘Yes, ma’am. Helicopters from a US carrier in the South Pacific are on their way.’
‘We’re being airlifted out of here?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘Me too?’
‘Yes ma’am. You’re in US custody.’
‘Ten minutes ago you said you can’t fly me out with me paying $5000.’
‘That’s because it wasn’t an evacuation, ma’am.’
‘Why not send back the Marines, avoid Bunga Bunga being bombed and just take me back on the helicopters?’
‘If the Marines are sent back, technically, there would be no need to evacuate ma’am. You’d have to give me $5000.’
‘What if I try to escape?’
‘The Marines at the door would shoot you, ma’am.’
‘So the worst is, I’d die?’
‘No, they’d only shoot to wound you, not to kill you, ma’am.’
‘Okay, then what would happen?’
‘You’d be flown to the Navy Hospital on the US carrier.’
‘For free?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘And would the Bunganese still get bombed?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘Why? IF YOU HAVE ME?’
‘Because they didn’t hand you over ma’am.’
‘What would I have to do to stop the Bunganese being bombed?’
‘Should have asked yourself that, ma’am, before involving them in your terrorist activities.’
‘I can’t BELIEVE I VOTED FOR OBAMA! AND TO THINK BUSH WAS BAD!’
‘Obama is better, ma’am.’
‘And how’s that??’
‘He the first president to bring democracy to Bunga Bunga.’
