When Did Cookie Stop Being a Monster

Fitting millions of bits of information onto chips the size of a needle head; intricately connecting the world through satellites and air; building virtual lives that sometimes are so close to reality, they become many’s reality; creating a global nation founded on 1s and 0s. The historical icons behind the Internet have awed us with their feats and ingeniousness. Then outta nowhere, logging into their world, awaiting to be mesmerized by their software and applications, these technological gods ask us…

‘Want my Cookie?’

When Goldman Sachs, Lehman’s and J.P. Morgan launched the mammoth banking system, integrating the trade of capital, stocks, commodities, establishing a new era of finance that changed the international business and economic landscape forever, how awkward would it have been had you walked into one of their institutions and a Harvard graduated banker asked…

‘Want my cookie?’

We all love cookies. We all love Cookie Monster. But, being asked on the Internet to accept a cookie is…


It’s like Godzilla leaning over you, extending his claw in front of you and then patting you on the head gently.

You want to believe he’s being nice, but in reality, you know he’s just baiting you and about to go all evil on your derrier.

To my understanding, a ‘cookie’ on the Internet is bytes of data from a website stored on a user’s web browser in order to remember user history on the respective website.

That sounds as innocent enough as an oatmeal cookie- but then again, oatmeal cookies only track through your ass… they don’t track your ass.

Tracking cookies basically follow you on the Internet… like the once controversial SUPERCOOKIE which could impersonate user’s profiles. And what’s the biggest advantage to tracking cookies for websites?

Ego. They get to know how many people visit there site.

Money. Those numbers are how they pull out dollars from advertisers.

Believe it or not, there are also cookies that come back from the dead. They’re called Zombie Cookies and recreate themselves even after being deleted.

There are also spy cookies- cookies you have to accept on certain websites FOR LIFE. Kinda of a Godfather cookie… once you accept it, you can’t give it back.

The whole cookie scandal came to light in 1996 when the Financial Times reported on it. Before then, cookies had a default status, and sort of automatically ran in a user’s browser. Initially, one would think maybe we’re a bit paranoid for being afraid of a little thing like a cookie, especially one that is calorie-free; but that paranoia was dispelled in 2006 when AOL posted 20 million search queries of 650,000 AOL users and subscribers were tracked down from their search queries:


Considering the functions of a ‘cookie’, to coin it a ‘cookie’ is quite ironic. It not only patronizes people, it’s the equivalent of Mr. Rogers distracting us from the colossal rectal exam about to take place.

Except this time, the proctologist doesn’t plan to remove his hand again.


One thought on “When Did Cookie Stop Being a Monster

  1. Pingback: When Did Cookie Stop Being a Monster « You Can't Google a G Spot

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