As the crisis in Egypt comes undone at the seams, with people refusing to step down and the Morsi regime slowly losing ground, on March 28 10, 2013, Barak Obama summons all of the greatest minds in US media, finance and politics, of past and present, in hopes that such a non-partisan/private sector committee can solve the issue once and for all, in the very familiar and distinct Deja Vu fashion of US Foreign Politics:
Obama: Okay, before we start, let’s have a breakfast prayer, asking God to help us come to a solid solution.
Dick Cheney: SHOOT ’em!
G W Bush: Cheney, now, relax and hold on to your pace maker. First of all, we gotta figure out why all those people are protesting in Indiana.
Condoleezza: Sir, nothing’s happening in Indiana.
G W Bush: Conde, I think that Gheri Curl cream’s straightened your hair, and tangled up your head. There’s some BIG ASS protesters in some square down there in Cairo.
Conde: Cairo, EGYPT… not Cairo, Indiana, Sir.
G W Bush: Damn. Is that right? Then why all them people in Indiana pissed off?
Conde: Sir, that’s because we screwed them over economically. Indiana, along with the whole country’s pretty miffed about it.
G W Bush: (Giggling) Oh ya. Greenspan, man. Did you fuck up on that one.
Greenspan: Well, we could always set off the Weapons of Mass Destruction we found in Iraq and annihilate the Morsi regime once and for all. Wait- we can’t use them CAUSE THEY DON’T EXIST.
G W Bush: (Giggling) Oh ya. Man, did I fuck up that one.
Sarah Palin: I can see Egypt from Alaska, and everything looks just hunky dory there.
Colin Powell: No, you can see Russia from Alaska. Egypt is in North Africa.
Palin: Uh, HE-LLO. I can see Egypt from Alaska. On SATELLITE TV. DUH!
Katy Courek: Sarah, then how could you not see the mass protests all over CNN, BBC and FOX News?! What the hell do you watch?
Palin: Well, I watch ALL stations, you know… YouTube… and uh, ALL the… other ones.
Cheney: Shoot ‘em!
Powell: Listen, Cheney- take a beta blocker and chill the fuck out. This isn’t a weekend quail hunt.
Dan Quayle: (Jumps up and screams)
Bush Senior: (Taking Dan Quayle on his lap and stroking his hair) There, there, READ MY LIPS—you just woke up from having a bad dream.
G W Bush: Pussy.
Hillary: GOD DAMN IT. Can you people focus. I’m menopausal, having hot flashes and besides laying the laws, my husband lays every other woman in America but me! I don’t have time for this crap.
Biden: (Looking at Obama) HA! I win! Pay up Barak! Told ya Hillary was a woman!
Obama: (paying Biden) Gosh darn it! Michelle’s going to go bonkers at me for losing money on another bet.
Bill Clinton: (Doobey in hand, puffing but not inhaling) It’s sad Michelle wears the pants in the family. If she wore a skirt, you could give her a little action more often and she wouldn’t be so tight.
(White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, enters)
Carney: Mr. President, the press is really up my butt to get some statements regarding the Egypt situation. They are especially curious to know what our stand is regarding the increased tyranny of the Muslim Brotherhood regime.
G W Bush: Barak, you gotta be tough with those Muhamedians. Just like I did with Sad Ham Who Sane in Eye Rack.
Obama: Perhaps I should make a statement myself. Hold on guys. Be right back.
(Exit Obama to Press Briefing Room).
Obama (to the press): We believe that Egypt is stable—the only thing that is unstable is the country. Therefore, we would encourage Morsi to resign, but not leave; to not use violent means, but to use force; to spread democracy, but to restrain opposing factions; Egypt has always been our ally, and will always remain our bitch. That’s all I can confirm right now. Thank You.
(Obama goes back to the committee).
Hillary: So, what happened?
Obama: Took a firm stand on spreading democracy. This administration DEFINITELY believes in democracy. Democracy is the very reason WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW AS LEADERS OF THE PEOPLE.
Bill Clinton: (Doobey still in hand, giggling): Damn, imagine if Democracy REALLY WORKED? Everyone in this room would be so screweddddddddddd…
Colin Powell: Back to Egypt—how are we going to deal with this.
Alan Greenspan: If it were me there, I’d have just fucked up their economy and we’d have them by the balls.
Obama: Actually, we’re already accomplishing that through the IMF. By the way Christine Lagarde, as head of the IMF, we never did thank you for your efforts to break the country.
Lagarde: Well, I can’t take all the credit. The IMF is structured to screw them over.
Biden: Well, hey, if we nip Egypt—all that’s really left is Bashar and Syria and we’ll own the Aye-rabs, all of them…’Syria-ously’.
Conde: Hardy har har… ‘Syria-ously’…that is a good one, Joe.
GW Bush: Huh?
Hillary: (sweating buckets of water) GOD DAMN IT! It’s more humid in here than under Monica Lewinski’s dress! Someone turn on the GOD DAMN air conditioning!
Conde: Hillary, the humidity is really coming from Lewinski’s dress. Your husband’s been under it for the last 5 minutes.
Hillary: GOD DAMN IT, BILL! It’s like walking a poodle in heat that humps every lamp post he meets!
Cheney: JUST shoot ‘em! Just shoot ‘em! Just- (Cheney drops dead on the ground).
G W Bush: Well, lookee there. Cheney died…again.
Powell: I really think we have to handle this thing in Egypt very carefully.
Obama: POWELL! YOU ARE A GENIOUS! That is our strategy: WE WILL HANDLE THE EGYPT SITUATION WITH CARE.
Palin: Oh! I’m a Hockey Mom! A pit bull with lipstick! I can give you some really really neat tips from Home and Garden Magazine on how to handle it with care!
GW Bush: I still don’t get it. ‘Syria-ously’?
Bush Senior: For Christ’s sake nitwit, it’s a pun!
GW Bush: Really? Is that so? Like a buttermilk or more like a Kaiser?
Lagarde (to Bush Senior): How many times did you drop him on his head when he was a kid?
Bush Senior: Once just once. He dropped himself a few times after that.
Obama: Great then. We know what to do. HANDLE WITH CARE. Now, let’s end this meeting with a group prayer.
(All together): “God, please grant us the financial power to corrupt the countries we can, and to oppress the ones we can’t. And please grant us the wisdom to know the difference.” Amen.”
Obama: Okay! Now a group hug! (They all gather and hug).
Conde: We’re missing Bill.
Hillary: (Totally relaxed and happy): No we’re not… FOR ONCE… he’s under MY SKIRT.