Tag Archives: politics

On the Island of Bunga Bunga: All Apples, but None to Be Eaten

Starbucks-birthday-club-freebiesAnd when I opened my eyes, I gasped.

Spitting out a bit of sand, seaweed and pieces of plastic Pacific refuse, I looked around.

By some miracle, I survived. The boat capsized.

But I somehow survived.

OH GOD. FUCK!

A large man in a straw sheath was standing above me.

His stillness and silence are hard to interpret. I could only assume one of three things:

  1. He doesn’t speak English
  2. He’s debating how edible I am
  3. He’s contemplating how digestible I am

Without warning, he sprang at me.

SHITE!!! It’s number two or three! Two or three!

Extending his hands under my backside, he lifted me up. Being as weak as I was, I couldn’t fight back. I couldn’t even resist.

Like a dead goldfish, I accepted my fate.

And passed out.

My eyes opened. Above me, bushels of green. The sky was much darker. The sound of children screaming wasn’t far off.

THEY’RE COOKING THE KIDS!! Those poor children are probably SIDE DISHES!!

Trying to break free from the rope by which I was tied down, I gave up the struggle within seconds.

Because, as it turns out, I wasn’t tied up.

I was in a hammock underneath some palm trees.

They know I can’t get far. I’m still very weak.

Technically, no no need to cage me up or tied me down.

I looked around the black sanded beach. The large man who brought me here was heading towards me.

With a coconut in his hands.

OH MY GOD, he’s going to strike me unconscious with the coconut AND THEN barbecue me.

Within minutes, I found him standing above me.

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THIS IS IT!!!

I shut my eyes and folded into myself.

Nothing happened.

No head-cracking pain.

No coconut-hitting-the-head thud.

I felt my hands on what I assume was still my face.

Turns out death doesn’t hurt.

In fact, you feel pretty much like you do when you’re alive.

I opened my eyes.

Looking around, I saw the screaming kids.

They were playing tag on the beach.

Hmmm… okay, so I’m not dead. And the kids aren’t side dishes.

I looked back at the man. He held the coconut in front of me, inviting me to take it.

And he really doesn’t seem that interested to baste me.

I clasped the prickly furred orb, and drew it towards me.

It was filled with water. I drank it as quickly as I could.

The prospect of my eminent death, it seems, had made me very, very, very thirsty.

And hungry.

Let’s see… universal sign language for food… OH!

‘Hand with fingers cupped together, pecking at mouth’… I’ll try that. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll understand me.

The man looked at me, fabulously dumbfounded.

Continuing my gastronomical charade, I then tried ‘hand rubbing stomach’.

Still, dumbfounded.

‘Lady, you want food?’, he asked.

‘You speak English!’ I sang with relief, ‘Yes! I’m So hungry!’

‘Well, you only have one choice.’

‘One choice?’

‘Look, Lady, Bunga Bunga is a poor island nation. We survive on IMF loans. We can’t afford luxuries like wheat, meat & rice.

‘And because we can’t keep up with the compounded interest on the loans, the IMF has taken all of Bunga Bunga’s staple foods as collateral, exporting it for profit.

‘So we use the IMF money to only buy necessities– Venti cappuccinos, iPhones & iPads.

‘Is this a joke? Tell ya what– let’s head to Starbucks then, for a Caramel Latte…’

‘Caramel ran out. Hazelnut is ok?’

‘Are you kidding me?’

‘No. We grow a lot of coffee. The IMF  owns that too.

‘So it exports the coffee back to the US, who in turn sells it to the Starbucks corporation, which opened stores in Bunga Bunga. The Bunganese government collects all the rent from the store locations and puts the money in the Bunganese central bank, which then loans it out to the Bunganese people, so we can afford to eat at Starbucks, since that’s the only place we can get food on the island.’

‘You guys wear straw sheaths, live in straw huts, and I bet, probably have no running water or electricity, but you have Starbucks?!’

‘Look, lady, how else are we going to connect our iPads to the Internet?’

‘You don’t need Starbucks for Internet access! You need an INTERNET CONNECTION!’

‘Yeah, but what’s the point of surfing the Net without enjoying a cappuccino or a nice cold Frappucino.’

‘Give me your iPhone! I want a call a travel agent for a plane ticket OUTTA HERE!’

‘We don’t have planes, lady. We don’t even have an airport.’

‘You have iPhones. You have iPads. You have Starbucks, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE A AIRPORT?!’

‘You don’t need an airport to connect to the Internet.’

‘Look, do you have an American Embassy here?’

‘Yeah, if you go right at the next coconut tree, and past the Starbucks.’

‘Great, so after that Starbucks over there-‘

‘No, the next Starbucks.’

‘That one?’

‘No. Not that one. The one after the one after the one after that one.’

‘Give me your iPhone!’

‘Who you going to call?’

‘The EMBASSY! What’s the number?’

‘You mean the smoke signals?’

‘What?’

‘There’s a smoke signal app we use. See? Right there.’

‘Have Angry Birds too?’

‘Yeah. But they only get mean when the islanders approach them.’

‘JUST SMOKE SIGNAL THE EMBASSY!’

‘Okay, it’s smoking… hold on… it’s still smoking but no one’s picking up. Oh wait! Here you go.’

‘Hello? Is this the American Embassy?’

‘Yes, how may we help you?’

‘I’m an American citizen. My boat capsized and I washed ashore on Bunga Bunga. I need you guys to get me back to the US.’

‘No problem, ma’am. We can arrange to transport you by boat tonight. That will be $5000.’

‘Excuse me? I don’t think you heard me. I am an American. I PAY TAXES. TECHNICALLY, THIS IS A RESCUE MISSION… DO MY TAXES NOT COVER THAT?’

‘No ma’am, afraid not.’

‘Then what the hell to do I pay taxes for?’

‘US taxes cover the enforcement of democracy around the world, so America stays safe.’

‘There’s no money to take me back to the US, but there’s money to give to the Bunganese to spend on iPhones and cappuccinos at Starbucks?’

‘Yes ma’am. That’s part of enforcing democracy.’

‘How so?!’

‘The best way to democratize a people is globalization and unlimited access to online porn.’

‘Are you kidding me?!’

‘No ma’am. The US government developed that strategy after seeing how successful it was with Americans.’

‘BULLSHIT! Have you not heard of a movement called ‘Occupy’?’

‘Did you participate in Occupy, ma’am?’

‘No.’

‘Did anyone you know participate?’

‘No.’

‘See, ma’am. Effective. If you’re dissatisfied ma’am, I’m more than happy to send an email to your local Congressman. Just give me his name.’

‘His name is Congressman KISS MY ASS! I’m calling CNN! The press will hear about this!?’

‘Lady, how you going to call CNN?’

‘You have Internet, you have an iPad, so you have Skype! Take me to Starbucks!’

Five minutes later, we reached Starbucks.

‘Okay, signed into Skype… an old classmate works at CNN and I think, I think, I still have him as a contact on Skype… let’s see… let’s see…searching… searching… AHA! Here we go!!’

Bloop bloop bloop bloop… BLOOP. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Bloop!

‘Larry! Jesus! Thank God you answered! Have I got a story for you!’

‘Shoot!’

‘So, I’m stranded on this island called Bunga Bunga and get this– I call the US Embassy to help me get home, and they won’t get me off the island unless I pay $5000!’

‘Is Brittany Spears there?’

‘Ah…NO.’

‘Did you see Justin Beiber with his pants down?’

‘Huh?’

‘Brangelina? George Clooney? Menage-a-trois?’

‘Larry! For Christ’s sake!’

‘Listen, there’s no story if there’s no superstar.’

‘What are you talking about? CNN is supposed to cover stories about Constitutional Rights!’

‘Ratings, my friend. Ratings… stars get ratings.’

‘My rights as a US citizen are being violated! Isn’t that a story people should want to hear?!’

‘What about sexual violation?? And what if it was Tom Cruise who violated you?’
‘Alright. Tom Cruise violated me.’

‘Woah! Any Scientologists with him?’

‘Yeah, ALL OF THEM.’

‘Can I quote you?’

‘Yeah, Larry. Quote me!! BYE, LARRY!!!.’

Bloop. Conversation ended.

‘What will happen now, lady? CNN will eventually find out Tom Cruise isn’t here.’

‘I need press now. Truth, obviously, isn’t a criteria. Log onto CNN.’

‘WOW, lady! It’s already breaking news! Uh-oh… Tom Cruise’s publicist has already responded.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Hmmm… let’s see… let’s see…Well, basically, lady, he’s calling you a stalker. Wait… there’s a video interview with someone who says he’s your neighbor back home. I’ll play it.’

‘She’s always been really quiet, didn’t talk much to anyone. I always felt something was wrong with her. Not surprised she’s stalking Tom Cruise really. She’s probably an Islamic Fundamentalist.’

‘Lady, I don’t think your plan is working.’

‘But I’m not even Muslim!’

‘Hey, look! There’s another video of you, lady! Right there on CNN! Wearing a Mexican hat, jumping around and screaming ‘Ole, Ole’! The caption underneath says: ‘Tom Cruise Terrorist Stalker Yelling ‘Allah, Allah’ in Spanish’.

‘That was a bloody farewell party for a colleague! It was a Mexican theme! Five pitchers of margaritas into the party, everyone was screaming!’

‘Oh shit, lady. Now there’s news that Obama is holding a live press conference about you… look! look! There he is!’

‘My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that a US citizen affiliated with ISIS, has destabilized the ally nation of Bunga Bunga. In order to protect Bunganese democracy, we will be deploying troops there within the hour.’

‘Lady! You are going to get us into a war! You gotta get out of here!’

‘This is inane! The media’s spinning this into a whole other story!’

‘Lady, you got to go to the Embassy!’

Leaving Starbucks, we trekked two minutes and found ourselves at the embassy, a small straw hut behind iron gates.

‘Good luck, lady!’

‘You’re not coming with me?!’

‘Lady, I won’t see the light of day again if I come in with you! Technically, I’m considered an accomplice.’

‘But you’re my only witness!’

‘Sorry, lady!’

And just like that, he took off.

Stopped by a marine who recognized my face from the news, he immediately handcuffed me and rammed me through the gates. Moments later, I found myself in front of the very man who had answered my phone call not even an hour ago.

‘Listen, I’m not a terrorist! I tried to call you almost an hour ago, asking to be rescued! You wanted to charge me $5000, and so I called CNN, but they weren’t interested in the story if it didn’t have a star attached to it! SO SUE me! I made it up! But AT LEAST it got your attention!’

He remained silent.

‘So what happens now?’

‘Well, the troops are on their way.’

‘So the government is willing to spend TRILLIONS of tax dollars to bring however many thousands of troops into Bunga Bunga, but won’t foot $5000 to take me back to the US?’

‘Protocol, ma’am.’

‘Don’t you want to avert A WAR?’

‘The President hasn’t declared war, ma’am.’

‘It’ll turn to one, because there’s no way in hell the Bunganese are going to accept this!’

‘Until congress approves it, it’s not a war ma’am.’

‘So, basically, we just sit here and wait for the troops.’

‘No ma’am. The American Embassy is being evacuated as we speak. We won’t be here.’

‘Including me?’

‘Yes, ma’am. Helicopters from a US carrier in the South Pacific are on their way.’

‘We’re being airlifted out of here? An hour ago, I couldn’t get a boat ride back home, but you’re airlifting to the US???’

‘An hour ago, it wasn’t an evacuation, ma’am.’

‘Why not send back the troops, avoid a possible war with Bunga Bunga and just take me home?’

‘If the troops are sent back, technically, there would be no need to evacuate ma’am.’

‘BUT THIS IS A CATASTROPHE! YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS!!’

‘Should have thought about the consequences yourself, ma’am, before destabilizing the island.’

‘I CAN’T BELIEVE I VOTED FOR OBAMA! AND TO THINK BUSH WAS BAD!’

‘Obama is better, ma’am.’

‘AND HOW’S THAT!!??’

‘He the first president to bring democracy to Bunga Bunga.’

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Top 10 Responses by Stars Asked to Become the Face of Arab Celebrity Activism

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Darfur has George Clooney; Tibet, Richard Gere. With the people’s call for democracy, which celebrity could best serve as the Arabs’ star ambassador?

10. Paris Hilton, “Um, ya- like, anything, like, to help the Mausoleums.”

9. Victoria Beckham, “Do saline implants evaporate in extreme desert heat?”

8. Brad Pitt, “And adopt an Arab?”

7. Tiger Woods, “Can you sleep with ALL four wives at the same time?”

6. Justin Bieber, “Uh, underage boy in the Gulf? Let me get back to you.”

5. Tom Cruise, “If I get to play myself in the movie version & the sequel.”

4. Jessica Simpson, “I’d love to! I’ve never been to Mexico!”

3. Sarah Jessica Parker, “Sorry, busy writing ‘Sex & the City III: It’s Getting Almost as  Old as Us’.”

2. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, “Hmmm…depends on how my name translates in Arabic.”

1. Lady Gaga, “Why not? It’s not like my meat dress is made of pork.”

 

Deja Vu… Sarah Palin: I Can See Egypt from Alaska!

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As the crisis in Egypt comes undone at the seams, with people refusing to step down and the Morsi regime slowly losing ground, on March 28 10, 2013, Barak Obama summons all of the greatest minds in US media, finance and politics, of past and present, in hopes that such a non-partisan/private sector committee can solve the issue once and for all, in the very familiar and distinct Deja Vu fashion of US Foreign Politics:

Obama: Okay, before we start, let’s have a breakfast prayer, asking God to help us come to a solid solution.

Dick Cheney: SHOOT ’em!

G W Bush: Cheney, now, relax and hold on to your pace maker. First of all, we gotta figure out why all those people are protesting in Indiana.

Condoleezza: Sir, nothing’s happening in Indiana.

G W Bush: Conde, I think that Gheri Curl cream’s straightened your hair, and tangled up your head. There’s some BIG ASS protesters in some square down there in Cairo.

Conde: Cairo, EGYPT… not Cairo, Indiana, Sir.

G W Bush: Damn. Is that right? Then why all them people in Indiana pissed off?

Conde: Sir, that’s because we screwed them over economically. Indiana, along with the whole country’s pretty miffed about it.

G W Bush: (Giggling) Oh ya. Greenspan, man. Did you fuck up on that one.

Greenspan: Well, we could always set off the Weapons of Mass Destruction we found in Iraq and annihilate the Morsi regime once and for all. Wait- we can’t use them CAUSE THEY DON’T EXIST.

G W Bush: (Giggling) Oh ya. Man, did I fuck up that one.

Sarah Palin: I can see Egypt from Alaska, and everything looks just hunky dory there.

Colin Powell: No, you can see Russia from Alaska. Egypt is in North Africa.

Palin: Uh, HE-LLO. I can see Egypt from Alaska. On SATELLITE TV. DUH!

Katy Courek: Sarah, then how could you not see the mass protests all over CNN, BBC and FOX News?! What the hell do you watch?

Palin: Well, I watch ALL stations, you know… YouTube… and uh, ALL the… other ones.

Cheney: Shoot ‘em!

Powell: Listen, Cheney- take a beta blocker and chill the fuck out. This isn’t a weekend quail hunt.

Dan Quayle: (Jumps up and screams)

Bush Senior: (Taking Dan Quayle on his lap and stroking his hair) There, there, READ MY LIPS—you just woke up from having a bad dream.

G W Bush: Pussy.

Hillary: GOD DAMN IT. Can you people focus. I’m menopausal, having hot flashes and besides laying the laws, my husband lays every other woman in America but me! I don’t have time for this crap.

Biden: (Looking at Obama) HA! I win! Pay up Barak! Told ya Hillary was a woman!

Obama: (paying Biden) Gosh darn it! Michelle’s going to go bonkers at me for losing money on another bet.

Bill Clinton: (Doobey in hand, puffing but not inhaling) It’s sad Michelle wears the pants in the family. If she wore a skirt, you could give her a little action more often and she wouldn’t be so tight.

(White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, enters)

Carney: Mr. President, the press is really up my butt to get some statements regarding the Egypt situation. They are especially curious to know what our stand is regarding the increased tyranny of the Muslim Brotherhood regime.

G W Bush: Barak, you gotta be tough with those Muhamedians. Just like I did with Sad Ham Who Sane in Eye Rack.

Obama: Perhaps I should make a statement myself. Hold on guys. Be right back.

(Exit Obama to Press Briefing Room).

Obama (to the press): We believe that Egypt is stable—the only thing that is unstable is the country. Therefore, we would encourage Morsi to resign, but not leave; to not use violent means, but to use force; to spread democracy, but to restrain opposing factions; Egypt has always been our ally, and will always remain our bitch. That’s all I can confirm right now. Thank You.

(Obama goes back to the committee).

Hillary: So, what happened?

Obama: Took a firm stand on spreading democracy. This administration DEFINITELY believes in democracy. Democracy is the very reason WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW AS LEADERS OF THE PEOPLE.

Bill Clinton: (Doobey still in hand, giggling): Damn, imagine if Democracy REALLY WORKED? Everyone in this room would be so screweddddddddddd…

Colin Powell: Back to Egypt—how are we going to deal with this.

Alan Greenspan: If it were me there, I’d have just fucked up their economy and we’d have them by the balls.

Obama: Actually, we’re already accomplishing that through the IMF. By the way Christine Lagarde, as head of the IMF, we never did thank you for your efforts to break the country.

Lagarde: Well, I can’t take all the credit. The IMF is structured to screw them over.

Biden: Well, hey, if we nip Egypt—all that’s really left is Bashar and Syria and we’ll own the Aye-rabs, all of them…’Syria-ously’.

Conde: Hardy har har… ‘Syria-ously’…that is a good one, Joe.

GW Bush: Huh?

Hillary: (sweating buckets of water) GOD DAMN IT! It’s more humid in here than under Monica Lewinski’s dress! Someone turn on the GOD DAMN air conditioning!

Conde: Hillary, the humidity is really coming from Lewinski’s dress. Your husband’s been under it for the last 5 minutes.

Hillary: GOD DAMN IT, BILL! It’s like walking a poodle in heat that humps every lamp post he meets!

Cheney: JUST shoot ‘em! Just shoot ‘em! Just- (Cheney drops dead on the ground).

G W Bush: Well, lookee there. Cheney died…again.

Powell: I really think we have to handle this thing in Egypt very carefully.

Obama: POWELL! YOU ARE A GENIOUS! That is our strategy: WE WILL HANDLE THE EGYPT SITUATION WITH CARE.

Palin: Oh! I’m a Hockey Mom! A pit bull with lipstick! I can give you some really really neat tips from Home and Garden Magazine on how to handle it with care!

GW Bush: I still don’t get it. ‘Syria-ously’?

Bush Senior: For Christ’s sake nitwit, it’s a pun!

GW Bush: Really? Is that so? Like a buttermilk or more like a Kaiser?

Lagarde (to Bush Senior):  How many times did you drop him on his head when he was a kid?

Bush Senior: Once just once. He dropped himself a few times after that.

Obama: Great then. We know what to do. HANDLE WITH CARE. Now, let’s end this meeting with a group prayer.

(All together): “God, please grant us the financial power to corrupt the countries we can, and to oppress the ones we can’t. And please grant us the wisdom to know the difference.” Amen.”

Obama: Okay! Now a group hug! (They all gather and hug).

Conde: We’re missing Bill.

Hillary: (Totally relaxed and happy): No we’re not… FOR ONCE… he’s under MY SKIRT.